a querry in Ubin

Sunday, October 3, 2010

balances and imbalances, beyond excitement and depression

Dealing with deep imbalances in my life
Between excitement and depression
Motivation and fears and worries
Sent from my iPhone

Maybe there is a greater sense of balance
once we integrate those movements, those pendulations, oscillations

One of the idea I am making mine - maybe as part of my spiritual training - is that these ideas could drop.
Excitement... this is temporarily... Where does it come from? some new ideas? so ideas of success... oh yeah!! great!! it will work well!! or maybe... some old dreams... let's discover this remote island somewhere.... great...

But dreams do come true... not immediatly though and not as a result of excitement. The kick of excitement is ... illusion (some hormones and other chemicals...) and illusory (great, let's do it...).

Enthusiasm is different... more subdued... less flashy or noisy... something of an underlying feeling of hope and faith in things happening...

Now what is depression? This feeling - sometimes overwhelming - often overwhelming I would say - that things are not right at all. Maybe nothing is right... A taste of overall failure... what should look bright and colorful looks dim and grey... what others look at with pride, I do not have and/or no pride... a sense of loss, emptiness... It is like... I do not have that - I am not that...

As I write: I sense: who is talking? what is it about? The feeling when I am depressed is real real. Oh yes it is....And like a cat, I feel like going to rest in a quiet, isolated corner... no energy, no impulse. But what is the loss, what are the regrets? things I am dreaming about? Things I wish I would have? Ways I wish I could be? It like: what should look bright and colorful looks dim and grey... right? But who said it should in the first place? What others have, I do not have. Who said there is any value at all in there? Having what? for what?

There is a construct of what we believe is success, what we believe is right, what we believe should be done and how it should be done. Who can really agree on any of these? Is there any single truth there? Wanting vs needing is about that maybe.... Wanting is likely to bring about suffering. Because who really knows what's best?

So in a nutshell, depression seems to be a by product of frustrated desires and un-met wants and un-confirmed believes. Gides - the French writer - was saying that prejudices are the stilts upon on which civilization is built. Nothing to be proud of but true as it may be, we are building our world(s) on fantasies.

OK then. Next: what is the truth in setting up our goals then?
How can I ensure that the foundations upon which I am building my entire life are not dreams and prejudices? fantasies, nice-to-have wants without solid ground?

Dreams: what is it about dreaming? Is dreaming only a counter-productive activity that gets me out of reality? Shall I discard the idea? Can I dream reality? I do believe reality needs to be dreamt. I do believe in the power of vision and that vision is the most powerful, direct way of creating reality and aligning people to goals and images of what to create.

So dream is powerful in a context of creation. Active creation.
Excitement and depression are activities that seems to take place in reaction to specific events.
Maybe there is a big distinction here. The same type of distinction Robert Fritz is making in The Path of Least Resistance. Dream is powerful when it is taken out of a reactive context and place in a creative context.

So what about my excitements... my depressions...
Reactive emotions to a set of hidden wants, un-resolved desires...
Being successful... being rich... being powerful... commanding authority... these are old dreams of mine
Let put them on the table, have a good look... again... and a good laugh... one tear or two... sure... another big good laugh.... a pat on the shoulder too... I mean ... I do not think I need to look down on me either right? my whole education has been based on these ideas... these illusions and vicious, toxic ideas...

As I think about it... I can't help finding value in the scene... vicious, toxic ideas and values, intoxicating a youth's dreams and aspirations, leading someone sometime for his/her entire life... poisoning his/her life and the whole society... these are there on the table and I can chose to look at them, laugh and burn them away.

I can say: these are the vicious, toxic ideas that have been poisoning my life, spoiling my aspiration and leading me to either excitement or depression whereas they are just a waste of time.

But hey... is there no reason at all - in the whole world - to be depressed?
I guess the point is that depression belong to a context of passivity and reactivity...
The feeling is neither wrong, nor right. It is... It is there... The source is not really real...
Depression is telling me that there is something which I cannot accept here, though it is as it is...
I am resisting something... that which makes me depressed is the difference, the gap, between what I would like to be and the way it is in reality... It does not match... I am suffering!!  what is real over-rides the way I had imagined it could or should be. This I cannot accept when I am about to get depressed.

So here we go... making a list of what we want seems a good step.
This list is a first step... then have a good look at it... add and delete as much as I can.
Then have another good look... and many good look... Is that really what I want?
What if I have it? what is it for?

This list bears similarity to the list of "primary wants" as Robert Fritz puts it. But I believe it is quite different.
Could I want money? What for?

Anyway... the idea is to clarify what we think is really worth the while in our life....
So it brings us back to goals of life.
We also still have the question of fears, and worries and motivation
Motivation is about what we want, right? But there is something of our spirit too - it seems - in the question of motivation. The drive... some primary energy... something of the instinct....
Let's wait and see before we come back to these.


 

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